The Truth About Back Pockets - Pt. 1

Growing up my mom always told me, “a lie has speed but truth has endurance.”

A piece of advice and wisdom I always kept in my back pocket.

Growing up I watched my dad battle trying to quit the can of chew that sat comfortably in his back pocket. 

He persisted, and he did it.

Keys, wallets, loose change, it all lived within a back pocket.

Back pockets can be used for many things. Ideas, bad habits, wisdom, and practical use.

Unfortunately, it’s also a spot I’ve found many others being placed when it comes to love. 

This story isn’t one where the guy gets the girl and they live happily ever after.

No, it’s a story where the girl learns to love herself, and ditches the confinement of a male’s back pocket.

*****************************************

Part One

July 5th, 2021

Every season has its own magic. Its unique spell that makes you fall in love with the details of seasonal essence.

This year my friends and I were determined to throw the best 4th of July party. Festive jello shots, American flags everywhere, food constantly on the grill and endless games of cornhole by the pool. It would be the party everyone looked forward to and one that we would never forget. 

As I sit on my bed, next to the guy who was just a friend up until last night when he confessed his feelings for me, and then gave me one of the most memorable kisses…

Mission accomplished.  I will never forget that night, no matter how hard I try.

“I don’t understand, Josh, just last night you told me you liked me, what happened?”

Josh Matthews sits there quiet, suddenly speechless. Our friendship started about six months ago, although we have known each other for a while through mutual friends. It’s been platonic, for the most part. Definitely some flirting, but I swore to myself I would never ever cross that line. Once you do, you can’t come back.

The problem was that although I never crossed the line physically, until last night, my heart crossed that line long ago. And he knew it. I knew he did. 

“Becks, I’m sorry, I just got wrapped up in the party and drinking and I don’t really remember--”

“Don’t remember? Josh, we sat by the fire while everyone else was off watching fireworks by the pool and talked for over an hour. You didn’t kiss me and run off--”

“I don’t know what to say, Becks. I woke up this morning, just overwhelmed by it all, and I don’t want to lead you on…”

“Don’t want to lead me on? Josh, it’s been clear I’ve had feelings for you, I mean c’mon. But I never acted on it. Never crossed a line. And last night, you did. YOU started this. I wasn’t the one who told you I liked you, YOU told me--”

“Becks, I was drinking, I’m sorry--”

Wow. Is this really happening? I should have known better, I shouldn’t have let my guard down. Josh is always talking about the next girl, and those girls are nothing like me. They look the same and sound the same, coming along with their petite frames, perfectly curated Instagram feeds, and lacking a sense of commitment. Which is every guy’s dream, right? Clearly Josh’s.

“So now, just 24 hours later, you take it all back? Did you mean anything you said last night?”

“Becks, don’t do this. Isn’t there any way we can move forward and be friends? I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

“I think it’s best if you go, Josh. I need space.”

Why would he do this? Last night was everything. For the first time in a long time, I was vulnerable with someone and let them in. I thought maybe what I was feeling between us wasn’t pent up thoughts in my imagination. 

But just like fireworks in the sky, the magic can fade away just as fast as it can light up the sky.

********************************************

July 15th, 2022

Sweat drips below the edge of my hat and trails down to my forehead. My finger swipe catches it right before it can fall into my eye. I could have the most painful side cramp and keep running another mile or two, but the sting of sweat and sunscreen dripping into my eye? Well, that stops me in my tracks instantly.

Seven miles into my run, in the middle of the summer, and the scorching Austin heat is putting up a gruesome fight. Enough sweat is falling from my body to fill a water bottle, but I can’t quit now, I’m only halfway through. 

When I go for a run, I’m running. I don’t want to stop or slow down. My mind has committed to the distance, and I will see it through.

Couples pass by jogging and walking leisurely. One day that will be me. There was a time that was me with my ex, but now I fly solo. I can listen to the music I want, run anytime I want, and at any speed. No pressure to meet the needs, goals or confinements of others.

*ring ring*

My song is interrupted by my phone ringing. I hit the lock button and ignore it.

*ring ring*

Finally caving in, but refusing to stop running, my right hand manages my phone out of my sweaty waistband.  A familiar, yet distant face lights up my phone screen. Josh Matthews. The photo of him from the time we snuck into a pumpkin patch after hours and tried to make our way through the corn maze at night. We were lost and hopeless, but he insisted on capturing a photo of him with the scarecrow. 

The last time we spoke was last year after the 4th of July party. He told me he liked me. We kissed. I listened to him tell me that throughout our friendship he has wanted to tell me, he liked me, kiss me, and that every other girl he tries to date doesn’t come close to me. How we have so much fun together.

The next morning he took back his words. I reached out a week later, and told him I didn’t want our friendship to end. I thought maybe he would show some remorse then, but it’s really just been me checking in on him. I’ve worked  hard to keep it civil between us for the sake of our group friendships.

We mostly keep up with each other over social media. A month after he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship with someone like me, he and some girl named Vanessa started dating. According to Instagram stories, they’re living their best life. Traveling with the team, she watches him coach baseball, and gets to be the girl on his sideline. 

When Josh and I do catch up, it’s very surface level. He’s always curious if I’m dating and I try to evade the question; I don’t want to talk about it, especially with him. 

The buzzing doesn’t stop, he’s persistent, that’s for sure. To my dismay, my feet slow down, and I answer.

 “Hey Josh,” barely getting his name out, completely out of breath from running. 

“Becks freakin Ramirez!” As enthusiastic as ever,“What are you doing?”

His voice slows me down more. Josh’s charm is as polished and effective as ever, even with my mind stuck on the last time we hung out, how it ended, how it wrecked me. He has a way of making me stop, stealing all my attention, and forgetting all my will power. My friends hate the effect he has on me, but I always assure them it's nothing I don’t have control over. 

“Running, what about you?”

“Of course you are. Gosh, when are you not crushing it? You always inspire me, Becks, I should get out for a run.”

Why does he do this? How can he do this? How does he turn off those feelings he had but didn’t have? Every time we speak I still go back to that hot night in July. 

“Just get out there with your players every now and then.”

“Nahh, I coach. I save the running drills for them.”

“Fair enough. Soooo, what’s up? Why are you calling?”

“Just calling to say hi, we haven’t talked in awhile,” his tone is quieter, slower, more sincere. Like he wants me to really believe the words he is saying, but who knows what could be true coming out of that boy's mouth. 

“Yeah, well I think you’ve been busy.”

“Never too busy for you though, Becks,” pausing for a moment, letting his words drip down and make their way into my heart, “and you know that.”

Don’t start this again, Josh. Please don’t. Holding my silence, trying not to fall into his games. He takes my silence as an opportunity for him to control the call. If there is one thing I know about Josh, he always comes with an agenda. He wants something and he will find a way to get it. 

“What are you doing tonight? I need to talk to you,” getting straight to the point. But is he asking to see me? Sure we’ve chatted a few times over text and an insta DM here and there, but never in person. 

“Why? Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, just want to catch up and share something with you. So tonight, you free?

“Ummm--” my mind is thrown, this is all moving so fast. 

“Perfect. That’s a yes. Drinks tonight, our usual spot, I’ll pick you up at 6.”

“Josh, wait, I don’t know,” trying to remember what it is I have going on, but the stupid sorcery this man has over me makes me weak. Unable to stand and speak up.

“No, Becks, it’s been too long, let’s catch up, we need to talk. See you then, sorry to interrupt the run, but it’s so good to hear your voice.”

We hang up the phone and my body freezes. Josh and Vanessa must have split, or they’re about to. Why else would he call me like this demanding we hangout. I should call him up and tell him no, but he needs to talk to me. And as much I hate being that safe place for him to go with his emotions, he needs me. 

It’s what “friends” are for, right?

*****

“Oh hell no, ditching girls movie night for Josh? No Becks, absolutely not. I won’t allow it!” my best friend, Olivia screams at me on the other side of the phone. Damn, why couldn’t I remember movie night when Josh asked if I had other plans? 

“Believe me, I was going to call him back and tell him no, but he texted me after the call, and I think he needs to talk to me about something serious.”

Before going into this call with Olivia, I knew she would be disappointed. There is nothing worse than a friend ditching her friends for a boy. It’s exceptionally worse when that friend drops everything and ditches the friends for a boy who has already hurt her and isn’t even her boyfriend.

I’m aware I look stupid here, but I haven’t seen Josh in a year. Maybe it’s different.

“Becks, we know this game of his. My god, he better come with an apology. Otherwise he has a girlfriend he can talk to about serious stuff.”

“Olivia, you know when it’s something serious--”

“Yeah yeah, you’re his friend. It’s bullshit.” I can feel her air quotes around friend. Olivia reminds me constantly that friends don’t do what he did, and friends certainly don’t flirt the way we used to. It took everything in me to beg her to be nice to him after that all went down. 

“Olivia, I’m sorry. I’ll come over after drinks, I promise!”

“Becks, just close the door for reals this time. This guy doesn’t deserve any more of your time.”

She’s right.  But I’m not ready to fully let go, yet.

*****

Running another layer of lip gloss across my lips and following with a final, but light spritz of perfume before Josh shows up, I check myself in the mirror. After five outfit changes, I landed on a pink mini dress. He always said pink was his favorite color on me, and now I own twice as much pink as I did before meeting him. 

*knock knock* 

I shake my curls out one last time and take a deep breath before I open the door.

“Look at you! All fancy.” Josh eyes me up and down, and I see that he could not be more casual. My stomach sinks, I’m an idiot, why did I get so dressed up? I should have known better, this is Josh, a small town boy who is most comfortable in a t-shirt, shorts and worn out sneakers. 

“Thanks,” trying not to smile. He doesn’t get that satisfaction right away. Thinking back to my conversation with Olivia earlier, I’m just going out to hear him out, then talk about our past, get my apology, make him regret his dumb decision, and go back to girls’ movie night. 

We walk out to his car and he makes an effort to beat me, opening my car door for me. He knows how much I pay attention to the little details. My mind is telling me no, don’t fall for it, but my heart is screaming that this time could be different. 

“Still love country?” Josh says as he opens his Spotify app.

“I’ll never stop loving country,” situating myself in the passenger seat and brushing out the ruffles in my dress.

“Good, don’t ever change, Becks, ever,” he looks over at me, and pauses. His eyes go from my face to my legs, and I gulp. I don’t stand a chance against this man.

The car ride to our go to bar goes by too fast, and sitting at the bar, the hours pass like grains of sand through an hourglass. We pick up exactly where we left off. Teasing one another, talking about music, catching up on family and friends. He is chatty tonight and leaves no room or opportunity for me to shift the conversation. Keeping it fun, easy, and not a single mention of Vanessa.

Also no sign of a sincere apology or a chance to talk about what happened between us. I wonder what his girlfriend thinks of him being here? Or if she even knows I’m here? Or if I even exist? 

“Ahhh, I miss this Becks,” Josh places his hand on my leg and sends chills down my spine, “I’m going to run to the restroom, watch my drink.”

“Pretty sure, no one else here wants a sip of your sugary as heck cocktail,” I tease him back. He always shamelessly orders fruity drinks and owns it. 

When I see him disappear into the hall, I grab my phone from my purse. Three text messages from Olivia. 

Olivia: Really hate that you ditched us, but hope he is apologizing.

Olivia: If you have a chance can you bring over pizza when you’re done?

Olivia: Nevermind, this is clearly becoming a whole night. Better a longass, good apology. We ordered pizza. Love you. Call me tomorrow with deets. 

“How’s Liv? What’s she up to tonight?” Josh sneaks up behind me and I lock my screen faster than I did closing my chat room whenever someone walked behind the computer growing up.

“She’s good. They’re doing a girls’ movie night tonight.”

“Wow, they didn’t invite you?”

“No, they did,” I look down and swirl my straw around my drink, “I just wasn’t in the mood.”

When I look back up, Josh has one elbow on the bar, with his chin sitting comfortably on his palm, and that stupid smile. 

“But in the mood for last minute drinks?” he pokes at me. Well aware of what he is hinting at and I can feel the waves of red flushing my face and neck.

“Shut up. Not like that at all.” Lie. He knows it too, but I won’t give in until he actually shows some remorse. “So we’ve been here for almost two hours now, and you haven’t mentioned Vanessa once. Or the “big thing” that you so desperately had to talk to me about.”

“Oh don’t mock me,” Josh references my air quotes, “Maybe I just needed time with Becks. I missed ya.”

Those words hold so much weight over me, but they’re nothing without action.He can’t do this again, and I won’t let his flirting distract from the facts. Don’t start something you can’t see through. 

“So how is Vanessa?” I repeat, looking him dead in the eyes. 

“She’s ok,” his eyes go back down to his drink.

“As in you two are ok, or she’s ok on her own?”

He cracks his neck and sits back in the chair. This should be a straightforward answer, but his body tells me otherwise. It won’t be simple, or clear. Just like the narrative of our friendship.

“We’re together, but I don’t know Becks. She’s not it.” 

Then why the heck are you with her? And does she know you’re here with me? Why are you doing this to another girl? My inner thoughts are screaming.

“Why do you say that? It sure looks like love on Instagram. You two seem inseparable.”

“I mean, yeah, it’s nice to have someone to talk to all the time. You know I’ve always wanted a relationship, and to have a person, my person, and she is gorgeous, but we don’t have much in common.”

Classic. So Josh. 

“Like what?”

“She hates going to the baseball games,” he begins his list.

And I practically grew up on a baseball field. 

“Can’t stand country music,” he continues.

Another thing I love. Josh and I talked about music constantly. His little small town accent always comes out with older country songs too, it sends me into a spiral. 

“Oh, and you will get a kick out of this one, but she doesn’t even like Christmas movies.”

Ok, oddly specific. But also wild, how do you eat up every Christmas movie? They’re classics.

He continues on the next five minutes listing every little thing they don’t have in common. And, it is every little thing that makes Josh, Josh. You have to be aligned with values in a relationship, but I also think it’s the little things in a relationship that make you fall for someone. The details bond two people in a special way no one else can match.

“Sounds like you’ve thought a lot about these topics,” finally getting a word in to his long monologue. 

“I have, oh, and the other day I asked her what her passions were, and she said she didn’t really have any. What is that? Becks, if I asked you that, you could list so many.”

“Maybe she hasn’t found hers yet?” I challenge back. Also, can we please not compare your girlfriend to me. I’m just a friend, right? Why would my answer or view even matter?

“Ok, fair. But I also asked her one day on the drive to dinner to share a story or fun fact about her that I didn’t yet know, and again, nothing,” throwing his hands up in the air like it was the most shocking answer he’s ever had. Bit dramatic.

“Yeah, I get it,” I lie, again. I don’t get it. 

“I mean I wouldn’t have to ask you about your passions, because you live them out, ya know? And if I asked you for a fun fact, you’d have one, whether it’s big or small.”

But this isn’t about me. This is Vanessa, your girlfriend. Stop comparing us!

Josh is in his own world rattling off everything that isn’t right. I nod and smile, thinking about how much he and I have in common. He needs to call a spade a spade, this girl isn’t the one for him. 

“Sorry to hear that, Josh.” 

But am I really sorry? 

“I don’t know, I don’t mean to be so negative, I think you just caught me on a bad day; she’s really not that bad,” he says and quickly realizes how bad that sounds, “I mean, it’s not that bad. She is great. We have fun. I think it just feels like the spark or something is missing.”

He takes another sip of his drink and I’ve about had it at this point. I caught him on a bad day? No. He had a bad day and reached out to me. Again, nothing I did asked or warranted this conversation. 

“Josh, can I ask you something?”

“You know I hate that question, just ask it and give me all of Beck's advice, and then tell me what a horrible guy I am.”

Ok, I hate this self pity, so I let the eyes roll loud and proud. 

“What do you like about her?”

Seconds go by and he opens his mouth to speak, but the words don’t follow, so I chime in again.

“Josh, if I knew my boyfriend couldn’t rattle off at least one thing he liked about me, I would be crushed.”

“No no, I do like her. It’s just complicated, but she is great. And she’s beautiful, and she’s always willing to join in on anything my friends and I do. Look Becks, can we talk about something else?”

Classic Josh move. Change the subject and drop it as soon as he is challenged or put in a tough position to defend his own words and actions.

“Sure, it’s your drink night, lead the way,” I let my annoyance pour out. But he doesn’t feed into it, that would require him to ask about why I’m bothered. 

Why am I even here? Why do I do this to myself when it comes to him?

“So the real reason why I wanted to get together…I got a job offer. And not just any job offer, THE job offer.” He places his hand on my arm, like he already knows I’m going to get excited and be amped up for him.

And I shouldn’t after everything he just shared about Vanessa, but I fake it the best I can. 

“No way!” my hand slaps down on the bar, “D1? Where?”

“Yes, got the call from the head coach at U of T yesterday and they want to bring me on as the assistant coach as soon as possible.”

Well, there is no taking about our history tonight. First the bad girlfriend chat, but now exciting career news. I’d be the world’s biggest debbie downer to take this away from him.

“Josh Matthews, University of Texas Assistant Baseball Coach. Wow. Well congrats, I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Becks, it means a ton coming from you. I mean it’s nothing to all that you have accomplished--”

“Josh, don’t. This is your time. My stuff is nothing.”

I really don’t need your compliments, Josh. 

“No, you don’t do that. You’re an author and have overcome so much. Proud of both of us.”

My head drops down. He’s right. The past few years have been nothing short of eventful, busy and filled with healing. Josh sees it for what it is, and I’ve let him see me for who I am. He’s been the first guy since my horrible breakup of 2020, that I’ve actually allowed myself to be fully myself in front of. 

When your heart gets broken, out of the blue, and you’re left with no real reason or clarity as to why, my mind goes to everything I wasn’t, everything I couldn’t be. I felt empty. 

Then came Josh. Complicated, fun, and charming. He was younger, easy to get along with and encouraged me to be me. Our friendship started slowly. He was on the road a lot for games, but when he was in town, we made an effort to invite one another along to our group hangouts. Which eventually turned into solo hangouts. Solo drives. Running errands together. I was the first person to take him to Trader Joe’s. The mundane wasn’t mundane when it was the two of us. That’s when I knew I was headed for trouble, but I swore to myself I would never tell him how I felt. It was such a good feeling, and even if he dated the girls who all looked and sounded the same, I always knew they weren’t his person. 

*****

Good golly, this exhaustion reminds me why I don’t go out drinking on weeknights. Aggressively sipping coffee and trying to focus in this morning meeting, but my mind keeps replaying every detail of last night. Josh dropped me off before midnight, but after catching up and chatting in the car, I didn’t make it to bed until 1am. His good news helped the night turn a corner.

As he shared every detail about this new chapter, I watched him come back to life. Gleaming as Josh mentioned what he’s most excited about, and how this is finally the big break he has needed. He was glowing, on fire, and it absolutely lit up my world.

I went into the night thinking I stood a chance against him, that after not seeing each other for a year we would address the elephant in the room. But we didn’t. It was surely as if that never happened and we picked up exactly where we left off before the 4th. 

What is it about me that Josh can’t commit to? I don’t get it. He gets this big news about his career, and instead of out celebrating with his girlfriend, he’s calling me up to share the big news. 

An imessage notification pops up on my laptop screen and steals my attention.

Josh. Of course. My teeth grip into my bottom lip, holding back any smile indicating I’m far removed from the topic of this meeting. When I open my messages, I am reminded of Olivia’s morning text asking how Josh’s apology went and if he’s grown up, to which I have not answered. She won’t like the answer, so I won’t give it to her. 

Josh: Thanks for last night. You free after work? Walk? 

I shouldn’t. But my fingers respond faster than my logic, or dignity for that matter.

Me: Yeah. Our usual?

Josh: Yeah! See you at 5:30.

Suddenly my posture is upright and I’m awake. I chime into the meeting and get my butt into gear. No chance I’m working late today. 

*****

“Isn’t it crazy how this trail never changes?” Josh says when we start down the path. 

“I know, that’s what I love about nature. We are always changing, evolving, but being outside, grounds me in the reality that so much stays the same. The important things at least.”

“Exactly. See! You get me, Becks. You always do. Isn’t it so good to get outside? Vanessa doesn’t want to do a lot of active stuff.”

Can we drop Vanessa already?

“Yeah, I love getting outside, especially after a long work day. Speaking of, when do you start your new gig?”

“Officially in two weeks. There is a massive welcome dinner they do with all the coaches at the university and we have a chance to give a speech and introduce ourselves; it’s awesome. Vanessa isn’t crazy about how much I’ll be on the road, and I think she was hoping at some point the baseball would stop.”

I am trying my absolute best not to roll my eyes or make a comment. In the past, when I have spoken up, or not been very supportive of his ladies, Josh gets defensive. “Of course you judge them,” he would say. Never really understood what he meant by all the “of courses,” but he asked for my opinion. So he got it. 

“You need a girl who supports your career,” I slowly let my opinions begin. 

“Pfff, yeah, where am I going to find that? A girl who is fully bought into the travel and long hours?” He looks down at me.

“No comment,” I laugh and look the other direction. 

“I mean, I’m not saying every girl is like that, it’s just that, I’m with Vanessa, I should work to make it work.”

“If that’s what makes you happy, Josh.”

Silence starts to spew between us. This is my chance, I need to express how I really felt after last year’s party and what Josh did. 

“Josh, there is something I actually want to talk--”

“One sec, Becks, I have to pee so bad. I’ll be back, no peeking,” Josh teases as he runs off the path into the trees.

“Get over yourself,” I yell back while he’s off running far enough I can’t hear a tinkle. I pull out my phone and open the notes app to reread my talking points. You got this, Becks.

“On your left!” a voice yells behind me, coming around the corner. 

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep and busy work day, or the chaos of emotions of Josh, but my brain isn’t working. I mistakenly move to the left, and find myself in a dance with the man running up behind me, exchanging several “sorry sorry” and “excuse me’s.”

“Sorry,” I chuckle and shake my head at embarrassment, looking to see if Josh is returning back.

“Don’t be, I like to dance” he continues running ahead, and then turns around so he’s running backwards, “hope to see ya on the trail again!”

His smile is bright, his running is effortless like he does this daily, and his dirty blonde hair is peeking out wildly beneath his backwards hat.

“Maybe!” I yell back.

“What’s your name?”

“Becca, well Becks--”

“Becks, I’m Emit. I gotta run, but I’ll see you around,” he turns his body forward and disappears around the curve ahead. 

“Who were you talking to?” Josh finally emerges from the trees behind me.

“I thought you were peeing, not spying.”

“Okaaayyyy, relax, Becks, I’m just asking.”

“Some random runner--”

“Why are you smiling like that?” one of his eyebrows shoots up, while his eyes squint down at me.

“I’m not!” I say defensively, but I shouldn’t be.

Before I can even bring up what I was going to say, Josh starts up the conversation around his new coaching job. And I fold, I listen. From the new gear he’s going to get, half of the roster's names and positions, the whole coaching staff, and the plan to get them to nationals. There isn’t a single moment that offers an easy transition to “Hey, remember when you told me you liked me then crushed my heart into a million pieces?”

Again, all this listening feels like a Vanessa job. The role of a girlfriend. Hearing all these details about a man who isn’t mine. I wonder if he invited her to come walk today or if he didn’t bother asking at all. 

When we make it back to our cars, I see Emit stretching at his car. At the first sound of our voices, Emit turns around and his eyes meet mine. He’s lost his shirt at this point, and his abs say everything they need to say. 

“Really? That’s the guy you met on the trail?” Josh turns to me, and has clearly caught on to my eyes trailing every line and muscle on Emit’s body. 

“Yeah. Why do you say it like that?” 

“That’s not your guy, Becks. Trust me.”

You’ve never even seen me date another guy, Josh. How do you know what’s good for me?

“You don’t even know him, how can you say that?” I return, completely bothered.

“Because I know men, and I know you, just trust me.”

“Trust you? That’s rich,” I mumble under my breath.

“What?” Josh looks to me offended and confused. 

Fire and gasoline. That’s Josh and I. Once we start to get too close, and I’ve let him back in just a little too much, something sets us off. Thinking back to last night and the walk we just finished, he jabbered away three fourths of the time and it’s all about him. He doesn’t know me and what I want or what I need. Heck, he’s hardly even asked me about my job or what I’ve been up to the past year. 

“Well, I’ll find that out for myself,” I say to him as he stands at my door ready to open it, and I turn around to make my way to Emit. 

“Becks, what are you--”

Shaking out my ponytail, I ignore Josh and don’t turn around, beelining for Emit. If I have to hear about Vanessa and all of Josh’s girls, he can deal with me talking to a guy. Two can play this game. 

“Hey!” I say to Emit and quickly realize this is actually a bad decision and I have no clue what I’m going to say following this. Shit shit shit. Think fast, Becks.

“Hey. It’s Becks, right?”

“Right,” smiling back at him while he reaches into his truck and grabs a shirt to put on, watching one sweat droplet make its way down from his chest to lower abdomen. Looking back, I see Josh has made his way into the car. C’mon Becks, you didn’t come all this way to prove a point to not make it.

“Soooo, how was your--” Emit starts up as he wiggles the shirt over his head. 

“Can I get your number?” completely interrupting and ignoring his question. 

Emit starts to laugh, “You sure your boyfriend won’t get mad about that?”

“He’s definitely not my boyfriend.”

“Fair enough. Here, let me get your number, and what are you doing Saturday morning?” He hands me his phone to put my number in. 

Forward and confident. This is a nice change. A man who actually knows what he wants and makes it happen.

We make plans for Saturday morning to grab coffee and meander the farmer’s market together. 

My hand grabs the door handle on Josh’s car and my body jolts, then stays still when I find the door locked. Really? I glare into the window at him and he so innocently acts like he didn’t know it was locked. I call BS, he knew what he was doing. Locking me out since I went off and did something he didn’t approve of. Such a stupid power move. 

“So, how was that?” Josh asks as soon as I sit down.

“Great. We are going out Saturday,” smiling down at my phone, “And he already texted me.”

“Already? You hardly know the guy. That’s a bit eager, don’t you think?”

“Or he’s just a guy who knows what he wants,” I fire back and see Josh’s jaw clench, while gripping the steering wheel a bit tighter.

“You’re right, do what you want. Hope it’s fun!” His words not matching his tone.

Bothered, suddenly speechless, and letting the music play a little louder than usual. Josh is jealous, or upset. I don’t know, but I don't hate it. He had his chance to be with me and he didn’t want it, so I’m not going to feel badly about this. 

*****

Saturday morning arrives faster than I expected. Keeping it casual, I wear denim shorts, sneakers, white t-shirt and a ball cap. Emit and I agreed to just meet at the coffee shop. When he walks up, he looks even better than he did shirtless, dripping with sweat and testosterone.

He’s trendy, but simple. His sneakers aren’t worn, he clearly folds and takes care of his laundry, and he ditched the hat today. Personally, I liked the backwards hat better, but that’s just my jam. 

“You clean up nicely,” I say while giving him a hug. 

“I was going to say the same to you, but you looked great the other day too, so that’d be unfair.”

Smooth. I like him already. 

“So is the farmer’s market a usual Saturday activity for you?” I ask while we wait in line to order our coffees.

“It is actually. My mom would take me every morning as a kid. She loved to host and cook.”

“That’s so sweet, so you and your mom are close?”

“We were, yes. She passed away a few years ago,” Our eyes instantly meet when my hand touches his arm, “It’s ok, I’m ok. Sorry, did not mean to bring down the mood. Really,” he shares a comforting smile that I trust. Even though he’s an absolute stranger, it’s not what he says, but how he says it, I believe him.

“Well, let’s make the most of today. I’m excited to find some goodies!” my voice cheers up, and I’m determined to make today good. I have to prove to Josh, Olivia, and more importantly, myself that I can and should move on from the men in my past. 

“See, I had a feeling when I saw you the other day that you were a positive, good time kind of girl.”

“What? No. We hardly saw each other, barely talked,” looking away, feeling my face flush for the first time from a guy who isn’t Josh. 

“No really, you carry yourself differently. It’s an unmatched energy,” his hand lightly touches my back as he ushers up to the counter. 

“What can I get for you two today?” the barista behind the counter asks.

“Whatever she wants,” he looks down to me, letting me lead. 

We grab our coffees and head down to the farmer’s market. The conversation warms up fast and naturally, skipping all the basic first date questions like where are you from? What do you do for work? How many siblings do you have?

No. Emit comes in with questions that allow me to really speak about myself and my interests. It’s all organic and easy as we navigate slowly from booth to booth. Speaking with different vendors and learning more about each other. 

*buzz buzz buzz*

My phone is vibrating in my Lululemon fanny pack that lays across my chest. We’re in the middle of hearing about how a local woman makes her own peach jam and it’s a recipe that has been passed down from generations in her family. This is another reason I love the south, the family traditions run deep.

*buzz buzz buzz*

The vibration continues for what feels like a third call. When we leave her booth, I pull out my phone and see the missed calls are from Josh, who is fully aware of my date this morning. 

Classic interference. 

But before I can even text him, his name pops into my messages. 

Josh: Vanessa and I broke up. I need to talk to you…

Author’s Note:

Cue Taylor Swift’s lyrics from her song “Exile.”

“I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.”

But this ending will be well worth the wait. I promise. Whether you’ve been the one in the back pocket, or put someone in the back pocket, you know exactly what motives Becks & Josh have - the question is, will it work out for them in the end?