The Truth About Back Pockets - Pt. 2

Part Two

The date today completely took a turn, and I don’t think Emit even noticed my change in behavior. My focus was no longer on him while he clearly worked hard to get to know me better. It was question after question, willing to listen and learn about me more than speak about himself. 

No, my attention was on the boy who wrecked my heart. The boy who is now single and needs me. The boy who has now been sitting on the phone with me for over an hour as I lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling. 

“Ok, I just sent you the message I want to respond with, what do you think?” Josh asks me.

We used to do this before last summer. Before he told me he liked me. Get one another’s opinions on our dating life and how to handle situations, but never a break up like this. I read the message and there is so much I would change, but I don’t. He could use some help expressing his emotions better, but I don’t bother helping him. 

From what I can gather, it sounds like this breakup is for the best. 

“Looks good to me,” I say back.

“Thanks Becks. Hey, we should hang out this week. What are you doing?”

“Not much, Trivia on Tuesday with Liv--”

“Oh sweet, I haven’t been in forever. I’m in!”

That wasn’t an invite. Liv isn’t his biggest fan right now; how does he not realize that? Does he think that if he just acts like nothing happened everyone else will follow suit?

We finally say our goodbyes and I stay put lying on my back. I’m annoyed with my behavior. This is what frustrates me the most. I can’t seem to find the strength to say no to him. Why am I his go to? Does he not stop to think how this might be hard for me to hear? I wanted him, and he was mister, “not ready for a relationship” then shortly after, got into a relationship. All of a sudden, he’s back in town and back in my life - without even being sent an invitation.

*****

The bar is filled. Tables are stacked with beer and seltzer buckets. Laughter and chatter overpower the already loud music blaring in the background. Olivia and I got here early to save a table after Josh asked to join. Otherwise, we typically just sit at the bar. 

Tuesday Trivia has been a biweekly tradition for Liv and me. We’ve become regulars at this place. Same order. Same seats. Same last place ranking in the Trivia competition. If we were only coming to win, we would have stopped long ago.

Before Josh shows up, I fill Liv in on my date with Emit. Which was great, until my stomach dropped to the floor from Josh’s text. Emit was respectful, cute, and friendly. He took a genuine interest in getting to know me and who I was. He watched people carefully and treated every person, especially the hardworking vendors, with respect and kindness. There isn’t one bad thing I could say about the date or him. 

“When will you see him again?” Olivia asks me.

“Aren’t you curious about Josh’s breakup?”

“Becks, I literally couldn’t care less. Tell me about Emit. We’re moving forward, not backward.”

“Umm, I don’t know. I don’t know if he’s for me.”

“Becks Ramirez, you just spent the past five minutes talking about how great he is, don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Let Josh keep you from moving on.”

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I think it’s different this time, Liv. You don’t get it, I get a different side of him when it’s just the two of us. I feel like he’s back and reconnecting with me for a reason.” 

“Don’t you want someone who cares for you the same way in private and in public? Who wouldn’t hide those feelings?”

Her question is paired with a look that communicates her disapproval, as she cracks open another High Noon. It’s best we change the subject before Josh arrives, so Liv is calm and able to be civil. I had to beg her to be on her best behavior with him tonight, to which she agreed, but only under certain conditions. She promised to be nice and give him one more shot, but if he hurts me again she won’t be so silent and compliant. 

Let’s Get it Started by the Black Eyed Peas starts playing to get the crowd’s attention, and the trivia host comes on the mic to get the game started.

“Where is Josh? I thought he was meeting us at 6:30? He’s 30 minutes late.” Liv looks back at the door.

“He’ll be here,” I start my excuses on his behalf, “Something probably came up with work.”

The disapproval continues and I know already that’s strike one. Liv is as loyal and punctual as they come. She stands firm on the motto that if he wanted to, he would. So when a guy doesn’t keep his word, she starts tallying those strikes. And, Josh already came into this game with a disadvantage.

Professional athletes is the topic for the first round, and Liv and I bombed it. Unless the pro is married to someone on a Real Housewives TV show or a Kardashian, we’re useless. We definitely needed Josh for that round.

It’s 7:15 and still no word from Josh, so I decide to text him while Liv runs to the restroom. I could do without a lecture about chasing a man who already once turned me down. 

Me: Hey! Trivia already started, where are you? Could have used your expertise for the pro athletes round.

As soon as I hit send, Liv joins me back at the table, and makes an effort to point out that Josh is still absent. I do my best to not act like I care or that it matters. Refusing to show any emotion that I am disappointed and my best friend was in fact, right. 

“Next topic, literature!” The host announces over the mic.

And as I look up, ready for the question, I see him. Josh Matthews walks into the bar. Tall, lanky, but not so lanky that he can’t fill out his t-shirt. Enough scruff to prove that he can in fact grow out a beard if he wanted to, but never would, and enough confidence for every person sitting in this bar. 

“Good thing we have an incredible author in our presence,” Josh says as he pulls out a chair to our table, “What would we do without you, Becks?” giving me a playful nudge. 

“Look who fiinalllllyyyyy showed up,” Liv drags out and gives him a subtle glare like a momma bear protecting her cub against anything coming within a 100 feet..

“Sorry, got wrapped up at work,” he says to me and doesn’t pay any attention to Liv’s comment.

“It’s ok, we understand. Now help us out, we desperately need it,” I make an effort to lighten the tension and diffuse Liv’s annoyance.

By the end, we jumped from last place to tenth, which is the highest ranking we have ever achieved. For the last question, we decide to wager all our points. 

“This romantic movie released in 2015, based on a book, and starred Scott Eastwood.”

“Easy!” I declare to the group while Liv and Josh look at me and between one another with blank stares. “Oh my gosh, you guys, The Longest Ride. Nicholas Sparks. C’mon.”

“I don’t do that cheesy romance, you consume enough for the two of us,” Liv teases.

Underneath the table I feel Josh hook his foot around mine and he looks over at me, “Yeah, Becks is our romance girl.” His touch startles me, and shoots a desire through me that I wish it wasn’t just footsies we were doing. 

“Uh--” struggling to find words and not wanting to get up from this moment, “I should go run this up there.”

Josh unhooks his foot and laughs as he watches me quickly get up from the table. After I drop off the answer sheet to the host, I run to the restroom to collect myself. The smallest things from this man send me into a tizzy. I stand in front of the mirror, smoothing out my hair and then shaking it ever so slightly, so it’s a controlled, hot mess. Then I lick my finger and wipe away any mascara that has smeared on my upper eyelids and take a few deep breaths. 

See Liv, I told you it was different this time around. 

*****

By the power, influence, and sheer force of Olivia, I agreed to a second date with Emit. After Trivia, and talking with Josh every day since his breakup with Vanessa, I have no interest. 

But Liv is worried I am putting all my hope into this bottomless basket with Josh, and it will end in heartbreak. 

The thing is, she isn’t around when it’s Josh and I. He’s really done with Vanessa, and I think he’s changed. I’m not going to push it, but eventually we’ll have a talk about the past - just when the time is right.

“I can’t wait to meet him,” Olivia says next to me as we both finish up our makeup. Emit invited me to a minor league baseball game with him and a few friends, and I asked to bring Liv along. I don’t want the pressure of having to talk and be with him the whole time, so she will be a great distraction. 

Josh’s name lights up on my phone sitting on the bathroom counter between us. I quickly flip it over hoping Liv doesn’t catch it.

“Becks,” she begins, “Tonight, give it a real shot. And please leave Josh behind.”

“I have given Emit a shot. I told you he’s great. There weren’t sparks, that’s all.”

“You spent two hours with him, give it more time,” she continues as she applies her mascara. I lean against the wall, finished with my little to no glam because I don’t care much for dressing to impress tonight. 

“Ok, I will. But you’ll see it for yourself. I don’t feel the way I do like when I’m around--”

“Don’t even say it.”

“It’s the truth though,” we both give each other a look that says let’s agree to disagree and have a good night, “Now hurry up, we’re already running late.” I say while grabbing my phone to text Josh back.

“How about you leave your phone behind tonight?” Olivia challenges me.

“What? No. Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re continually at Josh’s beck and calling. No pun intended. But if you leave your phone behind tonight and actually give it a real shot, and it’s still a no for you on Emit, I’ll leave it alone.”

This idea is insane. Who voluntarily goes anywhere without their phone nowadays?

“No, what if there is an emergency?”

“Then someone will call me. Just try it. One night, a few hours. He can go a few hours without you. And if you don’t think you can do it, then--”

“Fine,” I agree before she goes into another lecture about how Josh shouldn’t be allowed to drop back into my life after what he did.

“But after this, you’re done giving Josh a hard time.”

“Deal.”

*****

The summer sun beats down on our bodies and tiny water droplets drip from our seltzers. Our group sits in a grassy area in the outfield on scattered blankets, passing around fries, consuming hotdogs and not giving the actual game much attention. 

To my surprise it’s actually been a blast. Emit and Olivia get along really well, and his friends are nice. Ok, they’re great. We went from strangers to feeling like instant friends, and Emit is such a gentleman. He covered both mine and Liv’s drinks, introduced me to everyone, and continues to check in and make sure I am ok. 

“I like him,” Liv tells me as he gets up to go to the bathroom, “If you don’t take him, I WILL.” 

She’s only half kidding. 

“Yeah, tonight is good,” I say and start thinking about how at one point this was Liv, Josh, and I all with our group of friends. Would we ever be able to get that back? 

“Good?” Liv mocks, “It’s great! Admit it, Becks, and he’s definitely into you.”

“Oh yeah, he is,” a new voice chimes into my conversation with Liv. Emit’s friend, Blake, shares. “Emit hasn’t brought a girl around in years, and when he told us how you asked for his number, he was shaken up. In a good way of course. He’d kill me for telling you that, but take it from me. This is a good guy.”

Why do I feel like I am sitting in a sales pitch?

“Told you, Becks.” Liv says to me.

“What are you guys talking about?” Emit suddenly kneels down beside me. 

“Question for you, Emit,” Liv starts off, and it worries me, because you never know where this could be headed. “What was your first impression of Becks?”

Emit’s face and neck suddenly turn a new level of pink. 

“Liv!” I turn to her and then back to Emit, “Ignore her.”

“No, I’ll answer,” Although he is 50 shades of blush, his voice is steady.

Liv gives me a nod that screams I told you so, just trust me. 

“Confident, that’s for sure,” Emit starts, “And then after the farmer’s market I would say, warm. She was so friendly and kind to every person we talked to that morning.”

Now Blake is looking back at me with an I told you so look. 

“She’s all that and more,” Liv finishes off, “She needs a guy who truly appreciates her for who she is. Becks is special.”

They’re talking as if I’m not sitting here in the middle of them. I feel a drop of sweat make its way down from my armpit to my elbow, and I’m so uncomfortable. I don’t even budge to try and stop it. Those are words I’ve hoped to hear from someone for a year, but this isn’t the someone I’ve been hoping to hear it from. 

*****

The drive home feels like another Emit sales pitch coming from Olivia. Telling me everything she noticed, how great he was, and how I should really give it a shot. She doesn’t mention Josh, but she doesn’t have to. 

As soon as we walk into the house, I head to my room and grab my phone. 

Two missed calls, a voicemail and five text messages from Josh. I start with the voicemail, and turn to see Liv standing at my door with her arms crossed. 

“Did he call?” she asks.

“Twice. And five text messages.”

“Saying what?” Making herself comfortable on the edge of my bed. 

I hand her my phone and watch her read. 

“I know. I know.” I say as she shakes her head in disapproval.

“Becks. He needs to quit draggin’ his boots. Either he’s honest about his feelings for you, or he’s out. He keeps you in his back pocket. I saw it all throughout your friendship. It was hot and cold every time a new girl entered his life, but he kept you close enough to never fully close that door. It’s unfair.”

Her words burn like a cheap tequila shot. Truth that’s hard to swallow.

I look back down and reread the texts.

First is a picture of Josh awkwardly posing in his new office. 

Then, “Got to start moving into my new office today, you gotta check it out.”

“What are you up to tonight? Want to grab dinner?”

Enter the two missed calls and one minute long voicemail.

“You ok? Why aren’t you answering?”

“Becks?”

“On a date? Call me when you get home!”

Liv walks out of the room, and I tap the phone logo next to his name.

“Hey, sorry about missing your calls, I forgot my phone at home,” I say as soon as he answers. 

*****

Work days feel slower when I have plans I’m anxiously awaiting to get to. They’re also harder to get through when you stayed on the phone until midnight with your guy best friend. Josh called me on his way home from a recruitment meeting.

He mentioned the big welcome dinner that was taking place next week and asked if I would help him go find an outfit. 

So today, he’s picking me up from work and taking me shopping with him.

“How was the date with what’s his name? Kevin?” He asks immediately when I get into his truck. Wasting no time to find out why I actually missed his call last night. 

My eyes roll so far back I can see the back of my head. As if he didn’t purposely mess up his name.

“Emit.”

“Oh right. So, how was it?”

“Good. He’s a nice guy.”

“But…?”

“I didn’t say but”

“You didn’t have to,” Josh quickly fires back.

“No, really he’s great.” Truth. But not great for me. Giving my best effort at not giving Josh any satisfaction about being right.

“Becks, I know you. You’re not excited about it.”

“Yes, I am, it’s only been a few hangouts. How can I even know?” 

I mean, I do know. But he doesn’t need to know that.

Josh turns to me, one arm on the wheel, backwards hat and sunglasses. Looking like the coolest guy. Makes me crush and despise him all at once. 

“Because I’ve seen you excited over a guy.”

“What? Who?”

He turns to me again and lowers his glasses slightly, “me,” followed with a wink.

“Oh gosh, get out of here. Not even.”

“C’mon Becks, you know it’s always going to be fun between us. We’ll never lose it.”

So he’s never lost it either? He feels what I feel. Then what are we doing here acting like it’s nothing. As if a year ago, he didn’t drag my heart slowly out of my chest and expose all my feelings just to stomp on it and never return it back the way he found it?

“I don’t know Josh, speak for yourself. I let it go,” I tease and try to sound serious, but even I don’t believe my own words.

“Oh yeah? Is that why you’re here with me and not Emit?”

“Ohhhh, get over yourself. You’re also choosing me to be here. Pretty sure I was invited for this suit shopping trip and not your girlfriend of the week.”

The words leave my mouth with a bitter taste. I’ve hit a nerve. He doesn’t have to say it because his body does the talking for him as he sits up straight and pulls his arm from the center console to the top of the wheel.

The remainder of the ride is quiet, and no matter the volume of the music, it doesn’t cover the sting both of us are feeling. A year of unfinished business. Regrets. Mistakes. Hurtful actions and words I wished I had said. Walls I can’t seem to decide if they should be made of concrete or easily broken.

Before getting out of the car, Josh turns to me, “Becks, I’m happy you’re here today. And I want you to be happy too. Can we have a good time and just not let those past emotions get to us?”

So cover them up and pretend they don’t exist when it’s actually time to face the facts? 

“Of course, let’s go get you suited up. You’re a real coach now!”

Forty-five minutes later our hands are full of countless options, with even more waiting for Josh in the fitting room. Our past was left at the door, and per usual, we had fun looking at options, being silly, posing as mannequins, trying on ridiculous hats and shades as if we’re teenagers who just got a small taste of freedom from their parents at the mall. 

We head back into the fitting rooms in higher spirits and feeling like we are pieced back together. Josh leaves his phone and wallet on the chair next to me as he walks in to change. 

The vibration of his phone makes its presence clear against the gray velvet couch cushion. His phone faces down. It’s firing off, like someone is desperate to reach him. 

I shouldn’t, but I do. 

My hands flip it over and I see “V” with a heart emoji next to it fill his text notifications, amongst other messages from names I don’t care for because the V is loud enough.

My stomach drops faster than I put his phone down exactly where he left it. But I question myself, did I read that right? I reach for it again and affirm the worst feeling. 

Four unread text messages and a phone call.

I thought they were over? 

“Alright, I think we’re off to a good start,” Josh announces as he opens the fitting room door, and I drop the phone again.

He walks out with a big smile, and my mind spins. My eyes fixate on the way the dress pants fit him perfectly, and I notice he’s struggling with his tie. Without any hesitation, I’m on my feet shooing away his worthless hands and tying the tie for him.

We haven’t been this close to each other since the 4th of July. Where I can see every follicle of hair on his chiseled chin, and the tiny scar he has on his cheek from when he was 7 and fell off his dirt bike. 

 What spell am I under? Sheer stupidity? 

Call him out Becks, ask him what’s going on. Don’t do this to yourself again.

“Josh, I have a question for you,” the words blurt out just as he starts speaking up.

“You first,” he says looking down on me.

“No no, you go,” I’d rather we get his tactical suit questions out of the way before I bring up anything emotional.

“Will you come with me to this dinner?” his right hand pushes the hair behind my left ear and my legs become Jello, I could collapse at the slightest touch of him. 

Not the question I was expecting. 

“Josh,” My eyes blink in double time and I drop my head, “I don’t know if--”

“Becks, c’mon. It would mean a lot. You’re so good at these things. V always hated them, please. I need you.”

The nickname V sends a knife to my stomach, but my heart feels an embrace when I hear him say how he needs me.

Blurring lines. Where do I stand? We are exactly where we were a year ago. At some point sparks will go off, it’s just a matter of determining whether they are good or bad. 

“Of course I’ll be there,” I smile as I finish off his tie and fold his collar back down. 

*****

“Geeze Becks, do you ever stop running?” Josh’s voice suffers through his own words.

Ever since I agreed to join him at the dinner, he’s been at my hip. It’s fun, and occasionally flirty, but mostly I feel like I got my Josh back. Unfortunately I told Emit I wasn’t ready for anything more after he asked for a 3rd date, to which Olivia rolled her eyes and told me she hopes I know what I’m doing.

Honestly, I don’t.

If I bring up what happened and how he hurt me, I know it will result in a fight and I’ll lose him. Why do we do this to ourselves? Holding onto people who have hurt us the most, hoping things will change. Falling for the potential we see in them.

“Nope, and I probably never will. Keep up.” I tease back at Josh.

“Ok, I need to walk, what are we, three miles in?”

“Fiiiiiine,” I let my arms drop down and lift my hat to swipe the sweat covering my forehead.

“So, how’s the guy?”

Rolling my eyes, of course he wants to know.

“He’s nothing.”

“Why not? What happened?”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and Vanessa?”

“Vanessa?” He tightens up and his tone is defensive.

“Yeah, I saw her texting you the other day. Are you getting back together?”

The runner's high has me feeling more confident in my confrontation abilities.

“No way, Becks. She is too much. You should see the messages she was sending me. I couldn’t do that. She wants to talk one last time for closure, so I might do that because I feel bad, but no way.”

He continues on about everything that was wrong between them. How he is done for good. For all the details mentioned of what wasn’t right between them, I’m shocked he was with her for so long. Josh certainly isn’t selling her well, and it’s not a good look for him either - why settle for something that doesn’t light up your world every day? 

“You think hanging out again will be good?” I challenge.

“Yeah, it’s just closure. I mean, yeah, she wants to get back together, but no way.”

I hope he’s right. 

“So what about you and Emit? What happened?” he continues before I can share my opinion about getting closure from an ex. Closure is internal, not something you should seek from others. 

“Eh, wasn’t my guy. At least not the guy I want right now.”

Silence stands between us, while our bodies naturally draw closer. The full green trees fill the sides of the trail, giving us shade and a break from the sun that is beating down on us. Yet, my body still feels on fire.

“What guy do you want right now?”

You. If you would just stop being an idiot. 

“A good guy. A nice guy. Someone who wants me for me, and I can be myself around.”

Josh lets out a laugh, “Oh Becks, you’re so simple it’s sweet. I wish more girls were like you.”

“Like me? Why? You didn’t want me, remember?” A playful, yet truthful dagger. Josh doesn’t bite too hard though.

“I just mean that you’re so easy to get along with. You make the simple stuff fun. There’s no pressure to be on or fulfill insane standards. You let people be themselves and make others comfortable.”

THEN WHY AREN'T YOU WITH ME?

“Oh I don’t know about that,” feeling uneasy about the compliment, “I think I’m just like other girls.”

“No, no way. You’re nothing like other girls.”

My body is butter. Butter that has been left out to soften in this hot summer heat, fully melted, hot and ready. 

Feeling frazzled, all I can do is laugh. How do I even respond to that? He has no idea the kind of weight his words hold.

“I like your laugh, too. It’s a good one.”

What is happening?

“Alright alright, Josh, you’ve reached your limit on compliments today.” 

“Haaa, I’m just saying.”

“What do you want Josh?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like in a girl, what is it you actually want?”

“Someone who is easy going, loves to get outside, appreciates country music, supports my coaching dreams, cute, I guess.”

“Can’t wait until the day you find her.”

“Me too, but sometimes I wonder if I’ve already found her.”

I struggle to swallow the water sitting in my throat, but my mind is actually yelling from a megaphone to speak up. Call him out, hold him accountable for these words. 

“Josh--”

“Alright Becks, stop holding me back,” he cuts me off as soon as I start, “Let’s get running again.”

“Me? You’re the one who--” twisting the lid back on my water bottle.

“C’mon slow poke!” Josh has already taken off running ahead. 

Another time. When the time is actually right. 

*****

After lots of back and forth on dresses from my closet, I finally caved and begged Olivia to go shopping with me to find the perfect fit for tonight. I needed the dress to not only impress Josh, but every person we meet. The weight of this night didn’t really hit me until I saw Josh at my front door in his suit all done up. 

His nerves were evident as we drove. He’s worked hard to get here and wants to make a strong first impression. I know this suit cost him more than a payment on his truck plus some. 

“I can’t believe I made it here, thanks for coming with me.” Josh says as we pull into the parking lot. 

“Of course, I’m proud of you. This is just the beginning of what you’ll accomplish.”

“I hope so,” he lets out a loud breath that he’s clearly held in all day, “Here, stay put, let me get your door,” Josh jumps out and rushes to my side of the truck and I take a few more deep breaths. 

“Thank you,” I say as I hold his hand, slowly making my way out of the truck as gracefully as one can with a silk maxi dress and heels.

“This dress,” Josh pauses before starting towards the venue.

“What? Is it ok?” quickly looking down and checking for any stains or wrinkles I may have accidentally caused.

“It’s perfect. You look beautiful.”

Butter. 

“Let’s do this,” Josh reaches out his elbow for me to hold and we make our way towards the entrance. 

*****

The atmosphere is vibrant. Orange and white decor everywhere, from floral arrangements to balloons, signage and more. It feels like a huge reunion with a room full of people who are catching up and have known one another for years. I’m ready for a drink, this is going to be a long night, but I know Josh is going to crush it. 

“Josh Matthews!” A male voice calls out to us as soon as we find our seat and get settled. 

“Coach!” Josh lights up as soon as he turns around, “How are you? This all looks great.”

“Good good, happy you could make it. Pace yourself, especially as the new guy. These coaches like to get the newbies a little too comfortable on night one.”

“I’ll be sure to count my drinks,” Josh teases back. 

“And who is your lovely date tonight?” The guy looks over at me and reaches his hand out.

“This is my friend, Becks.”

Friend. Not butter. 

“Becks, I’m Coach Barker, head coach of the baseball team. Pleasure to meet you. Anything you can warn me about with this one?”

“Nope, he’s as good as they come.”

“Good to know,” Coach responds, and I can feel Josh watching me closely like his life depends on this interaction. 

“Oh and he loves Abba. A little too much. Shirley temples, occasional eyebrow wax. And he will never turn down--”

“Okaaayyyyy, you’re cut off before you get started,” Josh pulls me closer to his side as the Coach starts laughing. 

“She’s a good one. I’ll have to find the Mrs. and get us all introduced. Hope to see you at some of the games, Becks.”

Coach walks off and Josh turns to me.

“You’re too much,” he jokes. 

“Or am I just enough? I need a drink.”

“Here, you sit, and I’ll go grab us one,” Josh empties his phone and wallet from his pocket, “Do you mind throwing these in that tiny purse of yours?”

“Sure! And I’ll take a--”

“Gin & Tonic, I know. C’mon Becks. I know you better than you know yourself,” he winks as he turns to make his way to the bar. 

I look at the placecards in front of us. Josh Matthews and Becks Ramirez. The names look so good next to one another. My heart is exhausted. I’m tired of us just being friends. 

Grabbing his phone to put it in my clutch, a sudden, yet familiar pain hits my stomach when I see his home screen and the messages filling the space. But once again, just one name stands out loud and clear. 

V: Hey baby, sorry I couldn’t make it there with you tonight. Send pics! I‘ll see you tomorrow. Love you. Xo <3

Josh freakin Matthews, what the actual heck.

I’m going to flip this table. I want to put the phone away, but I physically can’t stop staring at it. The room feels quiet, smaller, like the walls are closing in on me. 

What happened to everything he told me a week ago? How could I be so stupid? Why did I fall for this again? How could I let my emotions blind me so much from the reality of his games, unwillingness to commit and the fact that he will never choose me.

No matter what I do. No amount of supporting him, time together, bending over backwards to meet his needs. It will never be me, will it?

I look up and see the random couple across the table staring at me. This is so humiliating. Again. 

But this time I’m not letting Josh embarrass me in front of everyone. 

“Gin & Tonic,” Josh’s voice announces over my shoulder as I hold his phone in my hand and he quickly sees the home screen, “What are you doing?” He drops the drinks and snatches the phone away from me.

“What am I doing?” My eyes are stretched wider than the state of Texas, “what are YOU doing, Josh? You and Vanessa? Really?”

“It’s complicated, Becks, c’mon, not here, not now,” he sits down next to me and takes a sip of his drink, sure that his words will control the conversation. 

I watch him sit there, a little too comfortable with my disappointment. Not this time Josh, not again.

“I’m leaving,” forcing the chair back with my heels, cinching my dress up, storming out, and calling an Uber for a ride home.

“Leaving so soon?” Coach stops me by the door and he’s standing next to his wife, “We didn’t even get to do a welcome shot with Josh.”

“I’m sorry, I really wish I could stay, but unfortunately I cannot stand next to that man a second longer.” 

“Becks! Wait!” Josh finally catches up to me and says sorry to Coach. He should be apologizing to me, not him. Why is he apologizing as if my behavior is uncalled for?

“No Josh, I’m done! I should have been done last summer.”

“Why are you so mad? Why do you even care? We’re just friends, Becks. I thought we made that clear last summer.”

“You have made nothing clear. Your actions don’t match your words and you’ve been lying to me. When were you going to tell me about Vanessa? Huh? Does she even know I’m here with you?”

I stand there and wait for a response, but his head drops the same time his hands find his hips.

“No, she doesn’t.” He admits.

“Why not, huh? If we’re just friends, why would it matter?”

Throwing his arms into the air, “Becks, c’mon, what do you want me to say?”

That you’re sorry!

“Were you going to have her come instead of me, if she wasn’t busy?”

Silence. 

“Josh, I hope you find what you deserve. Just know I’m done being in your back pocket. I’m done dropping everything for you. Listening, waiting, supporting your every move without any regard or support given in return. 

“Becks, don’t do this.”

My Uber pulls up and I decide he doesn’t get another ounce of my time or energy. As soon the car pulls away, I let tears fall. It’s not just the heartbreak of someone you wanted not wanting you back, but the fact that I was willing to diminish my worth to win over the approval of a man.

*****

10 Months Later

It’s the morning of the fourth of July and the aroma of roasted coffee beans seep deep into my clothes as I type away on my second book. Since the night of Josh’s baseball dinner, I’ve separated myself from him completely. 

What felt like heartbreak in the beginning turned into enlightenment and relief. I broke free from the chains of needing to please and chase a man who was indifferent to me. I’ve found myself and a level of happiness with myself after the experience with Josh.

Now I hold this same standard for any man I meet. And dating has become fun again. 

As I sit alone at this worn wooden table, working away at the computer, a shadow blocks my light. I look up and see Josh.

“Becks.”

He stands there with a coffee in hand, covered in his school’s gear.

“Josh.”

I let the moment of silence fall between us. Neither of us were proud of the person we each were the last time we saw each other. We don’t have to say, we can feel it. I should have walked away and voiced my emotions a lot sooner. We will get what we are willing to put up with.

“Writing?” He points down at my computer.

“Always,” giving a soft smile, “What are you up to?”

“I’m meeting a recruit at a nearby school and grabbed a coffee,” He stands still and I remain seated. Both of us smiling now. “It’s good to see you. You look good.”

“You too. Good luck with the recruit,” I start to shift my body back to my computer, but he doesn’t move.

“Hey Becks, for what it’s worth--”

“Josh, I know.”

He purses his lips together tightly and gives a gentle nod as he makes his way out. I watch him carefully as he goes to his car, thinking I’ll need a moment to breathe. But I don’t. He drives off and I continue writing.

From one chapter to the next. 

Author’s Note:

How frustrated were you reading this? It’s likely something from this story struck a chord with you because you’ve either been a Josh or been a Becks, and I get it. Having a back up plan, a safety net is comforting. Personally I’ve been a Josh and I’ve been a Becks. And the truth is that I am not proud of either. Knowing you’re giving someone false hope, allowing their attention and feelings to fill your ego isn’t ok. On the flip side, not fighting to know and uphold your worth also isn’t ok. I hope every reader is inspired to recognize when it’s the right time to call a spade a spade and walk away. Back pockets are great for holding many things, just not people. As always, thank you for reading. <3